Her name is Mama Njeri, and she isn’t playing around. She’s coming in hard and fast like Man United in the 90th minute during the days of Sir Alex Ferguson. Whenever I buy tomatoes or onions, she always adds me one. “Enda uongeze hiyo moja kwa chakula ikue tamu”, she says. Whenever I buy vegetables only, without a fruit, she says, “Leo hukuli matunda?” Then she picks an orange and throws it in the paper bag where she is packing whatever I’ve bought. When I try to politely decline her free fruit, tomato or onion, she insists. If I counter-insist, she gets so upset that I just have to take it in order not to upset her.
Now this mama mboga is extremely beautiful. Her breasts are like the melons she sells. They are ever full and shaky. Whenever I look at them, it’s like they yearn to get out – they yearn for freedom. The bra she wears is like Kamiti prison. It holds them back and they don’t seem to like it. They yearn for a presidential pardon. Or rather a pardon from the sheriff.
Her braids are dark and well made. her face is like that of an 18 year old despite the fact that she is probably in her late thirties. Her buttocks just can’t stop bouncing. Whenever she bends to cut sukuma wiki, the balls of all male customers descend into chaos. Her skin is like freshly warmed milk that has been mixed with just a little coffee. Her appearance is so perfect that if you check the phrase, ‘nice body’ in a dictionary, you’ll be told ‘refer to Mama Njeri’💛❤️❤️👙👗💝
Every time I stop by her mboga stall, she never hesitates to give me a compliment. “Aki spects zako si ni supuu.” she says. The latest one was “Si leo unanukia poa Philip.” And I didn’t even have cologne on. Plus I am not a flower, so she was probably lying just to pull my heartstrings. But I commend her efforts.
The problem is her accent. Mama Njeri has a deep Kikuyu accent. She enjoys speaking Kikuyu with her fellow mama mbogas but with customers, she is forced to speak Swahili, which is a huge struggle for her.
You might think you have heard broken Swahili before but wait until you hear hers. It’s super-broken. Like when a a glass of water falls to the floor. yeah, that kind of broken. Her words are a quasi-disaster of disjointedness.
Lately she has been suggesting that she is thinking of doing home delivery for groceries. She says she wants me to be her number one customer. That would be great right? But I know she’s just trying to get to my house. There’s only so much temptation a man can take. She seems disconcertingly incapable of hiding her lust for me. Her resilience is like none i’ve seen before.🍎🍓🍉
Maybe I should just assume the accent and bang her already. Coz I know some of you out there are now shouting “Kwani ni accent utadinya ama ni kuma utadinya.” ?? Or maybe I should get duct tape to cover her mouth until I finish. So that I don’t hear things like “Aki Phirip unanitoba vizuri.” or “Nataka raundi zingine biri.”
At this point I will need to recite our Lord’s prayer once more….
“Our father who art in heaven……..Lead us not into temptation, but deliver us fro evil. Amen.”
Pray for me. ama nitashtukia tu ‘shuma yangu imerara ndani ya Mama Njeri.’👙🔥🤔