Village Slay Queen Tales.

Village Slay Queen Tales.

Now that we are in the festive season, let us get somethings sorted out.

First, let us agree that things between you and Kamau who left for the city after stealing your virginity behind the CDF tank ended the moment he jumped on that 2NK SACCO Matatu without even looking back to witness your dramatic cry and subsequent fall.

Let us agree that his departure hurt you very much especially after you discovered a funny itch ‘down there’, an itch that was confirmed by the doctor to be Herpes. Let us also agree that up – to – date you are still shocked by the further discovery of pubic lice in your forest, gifted by Kamau who had lied that you were his ‘first and last’.

Are we in agreement thus far?

Let us agree that you and your pubic lice moved on, Yes you did! We know about you and that Deejay from Club Dreams, the one who loves to slap your backside which shouting ‘Thitima’ girl we know. And yes, we also know about you and Baba Wambui, the church elder who suffered a heart attack on top of you after attempting to rekindle his youthful energy assisted by Viagra and Guarana Ginseng.

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We all know that Kamau is coming back to the village. We all know that he will come back dressed in those annoying stripped suits and yellow shoes that young men of today insist on wearing. We all know he will be driving his brand new vehicle, the one He bought after getting a job at Safaricom. We also know that he will be accompanied by that his Nairobi Girlfriend, the one who does not wear underwear. Girl, as your friend, I advise you, stay away.

Stay away from his mother’s compound, refrain from greeting all his relatives while kneeling and please whatever you do, do not wear your yellow dress, the one that displays your child bearing hips, you are not an exhibition store. When Kamau finally arrives please do not run with your inflated breasts to hug him, salvage some dignity woman!

I know you are hurt but I beg you in the name of Chief Ngunjiri, wait for Christmas mass to have your revenge.

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On that day, do not forget all that we have planned. You will comb your hair like a good girl from 1958, you will wear your colourful Dera – the one you bought from Dera Fashions – then you will walk to church and sit on the very last pew. Of course the idiot and his packet of bones will be present, you will wait until everyone is settled and calm.

Then, you will rise like Undertaker from WWE did from the coffin, you will match to the front holding your Dera to the thigh, you will stop at Kama’s pew where you will immediately hand him the pair of scissors and shout ” I demand that you take back your pubic lice” Proceed to lift your Dera up-to the nose, your forest hovering on his nose, slap him with your herpes hospital bill and refuse to bulge. Ha- Ha! there will be no escape.

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Atalipa kama tender!